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Playschool

It’s supposed to be a happy place, where kids get to mix around n make new friends, place with new toys without mummy nagging no to touch this and that, not to mess this and that up. But everytime I send DH3 he’ll just cry. not wailing, no tantrum but obediently go into the door, with a little flying kiss while crying gently and looking at me with that sad eyes ;( What am i supposed to do?!! Sighhhh…. be strong. give him time, it’s for his own good. he needs friends his age….

3 days n counting….

I was praying and suddenly I was crying. Somehow I felt so sad… I wanted a baby girl so much (this is maybe due to the fact that a friend just delivered a baby girl after 4 boys!!). Me, 3 boys. And after that I just feel I don’t have the energy to go through the problems that each and every child produce. I just feel I’m not good enough of a mother. Sigh… I’m just gonna accept what fate has in store for me. If I’m meant to have 3 boys, then 3 it is ;(

I had a short and tiring “getaway” but great, fun and refreshing from the normal everyday chores, listening to my children bicker with each other, having the little one interrupt whatever I was doing every 5 minutes…. If only it can last longer… Have to say that I actually missed the kids when I was away but now that I am back, I got the same old feeling after a day 😦 Gosh.. I guess I’m really not made for these housewife-y thing. I just don’t see the point.. and I hardly have time to discover myself anymore. And after doing this for 10 years I don’t even know what my strengths are… what can I do to support this family when “this life” is over. Sad, confused, frustrated…

The little one is getting to be more stubborn and opinionated, considering the fact he can’t even talk yet. I can just imagine feeling so frustrated being him. I can’t even tell if he understood why people hit him or angry at him… what if he didn’t understand? That makes me so sad but how am I, as his mom, supposed to teach him the rights and wrongs?? Just now, for eg. he hit the tv screen again, don’t know how many times already… Dad just hit him so hard till his body jerk back towards dad. And was hit (or was it pinched) again before being lifted by his hand (just one) and fling on his “time-out” chair. Part of me actually said he deserved it but most of me just felt so shocked and saddened by what I saw. He’s still little, he isn’t capable to say anything to defend himself… sob, sob, sob… the way he just wipe away his tears quickly… I just hope we are not raising a little monster.. When thinking back, all of the children were “disciplined” this way. Not a civilized or the “right” way, one would argue. So tell me again… what am I good in cause it’s definitely not being a mother…

 

I knew it. Once money gets in the picture, our relationship is deemed to be in trouble. DH was complaining I bought too much food stuff for groceries. Well, that happens when the kids follow, which they never do with him. And of course the kids always come to me when they need new clothes, shorts, socks, stationaries etc etc. These DH never had to deal with when we were in STO since I had my own income, courtesy of the very dear government who actually acknowledges that housewives ARE working people and they should get income considering they don’t get any annual leave or other benefits.

Seriously, that’s just a preview of what’s to come if we were to be sent back to our home country. Him, with only basic salary and no more allowance, me with no job and income…. stress me own to even only think about it. So I am gonna do the next best thing; not to think about it and will only deal with the subject when we come to it… *SIGHHHHH*

 

Don’t even know the right word to describe the anxiety, worry, edginess, restlessness, sleepless nights etc… When it comes to DS2, I keep thinking where did I go wrong? Where did we go wrong as parents? I mean, I could see the effect of our naiveness when having DS1 but in DS2…Did we spoon feed you too much? Did we smother you by having a maid who’s always there for you? I don’t think it’s because of to little attention though. He just seems to be so into himself, hardly thinking about other people. When I brought up and pointed out to those who were unlike and that we should be grateful, he’d just say “I KNOOOOW”. Doesn’t seem to care much about the family routine, about how to change for the better… and he’s just 8! I thought it was just me but even at school, he seemed couldn’t care less in his school work and the rules and routines there too. And don’t get me started with the school work… Hmmph, I guess I can look at it as a half full glass, that I still have a lot of time to make sure he grow up to be a better person…

My son has been playing this song countlessly since we heard it o TVD and everytime I heard it, I seemed to be so touched by the song. I finally looked it up and listened to the lyrics… and behold, my heart ached. It described me to a T; a perfect T. Sort of summarizes my life… and just couldn’t stop the tears from falling. And boy, it really fell ;(

 

……..??#@$!!…

Have no idea what to write even though my head is like a cobweb with so much things to tell/write. Firstly, am contemplating wether i should go off line (the original way to write – thru journal) or should i stay online. I don’t want people to know me but I do need input sometimes… and I won’t have the advantage of putting photos n go thru dictionary. But mobility-wise, it’s not a good thing to carry this lappy around. Hmmmm…maybe I’ll do both… Anyway, ZMD came to my dreams again. And as always, i’ll wake up feeling crappy as ever. Damn him. Really wonder where in the world he is now. Can’t seem to find him on the internet. This usually means… I am retreating again. Will be in denial, no mood for whatsoever… Am 40 already. Why do my life still feel like there’s a huge hole in it? What else do I need? What do I want? What actually make me happy? Been “serving” people so long that I actually forget who I am…

 

 

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