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Archive for December, 2010

3 days n counting….

I was praying and suddenly I was crying. Somehow I felt so sad… I wanted a baby girl so much (this is maybe due to the fact that a friend just delivered a baby girl after 4 boys!!). Me, 3 boys. And after that I just feel I don’t have the energy to go through the problems that each and every child produce. I just feel I’m not good enough of a mother. Sigh… I’m just gonna accept what fate has in store for me. If I’m meant to have 3 boys, then 3 it is ;(

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I had a short and tiring “getaway” but great, fun and refreshing from the normal everyday chores, listening to my children bicker with each other, having the little one interrupt whatever I was doing every 5 minutes…. If only it can last longer… Have to say that I actually missed the kids when I was away but now that I am back, I got the same old feeling after a day 😦 Gosh.. I guess I’m really not made for these housewife-y thing. I just don’t see the point.. and I hardly have time to discover myself anymore. And after doing this for 10 years I don’t even know what my strengths are… what can I do to support this family when “this life” is over. Sad, confused, frustrated…

The little one is getting to be more stubborn and opinionated, considering the fact he can’t even talk yet. I can just imagine feeling so frustrated being him. I can’t even tell if he understood why people hit him or angry at him… what if he didn’t understand? That makes me so sad but how am I, as his mom, supposed to teach him the rights and wrongs?? Just now, for eg. he hit the tv screen again, don’t know how many times already… Dad just hit him so hard till his body jerk back towards dad. And was hit (or was it pinched) again before being lifted by his hand (just one) and fling on his “time-out” chair. Part of me actually said he deserved it but most of me just felt so shocked and saddened by what I saw. He’s still little, he isn’t capable to say anything to defend himself… sob, sob, sob… the way he just wipe away his tears quickly… I just hope we are not raising a little monster.. When thinking back, all of the children were “disciplined” this way. Not a civilized or the “right” way, one would argue. So tell me again… what am I good in cause it’s definitely not being a mother…

 

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I knew it. Once money gets in the picture, our relationship is deemed to be in trouble. DH was complaining I bought too much food stuff for groceries. Well, that happens when the kids follow, which they never do with him. And of course the kids always come to me when they need new clothes, shorts, socks, stationaries etc etc. These DH never had to deal with when we were in STO since I had my own income, courtesy of the very dear government who actually acknowledges that housewives ARE working people and they should get income considering they don’t get any annual leave or other benefits.

Seriously, that’s just a preview of what’s to come if we were to be sent back to our home country. Him, with only basic salary and no more allowance, me with no job and income…. stress me own to even only think about it. So I am gonna do the next best thing; not to think about it and will only deal with the subject when we come to it… *SIGHHHHH*

 

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