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Archive for November, 2010

Don’t even know the right word to describe the anxiety, worry, edginess, restlessness, sleepless nights etc… When it comes to DS2, I keep thinking where did I go wrong? Where did we go wrong as parents? I mean, I could see the effect of our naiveness when having DS1 but in DS2…Did we spoon feed you too much? Did we smother you by having a maid who’s always there for you? I don’t think it’s because of to little attention though. He just seems to be so into himself, hardly thinking about other people. When I brought up and pointed out to those who were unlike and that we should be grateful, he’d just say “I KNOOOOW”. Doesn’t seem to care much about the family routine, about how to change for the better… and he’s just 8! I thought it was just me but even at school, he seemed couldn’t care less in his school work and the rules and routines there too. And don’t get me started with the school work… Hmmph, I guess I can look at it as a half full glass, that I still have a lot of time to make sure he grow up to be a better person…

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My son has been playing this song countlessly since we heard it o TVD and everytime I heard it, I seemed to be so touched by the song. I finally looked it up and listened to the lyrics… and behold, my heart ached. It described me to a T; a perfect T. Sort of summarizes my life… and just couldn’t stop the tears from falling. And boy, it really fell ;(

 

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……..??#@$!!…

Have no idea what to write even though my head is like a cobweb with so much things to tell/write. Firstly, am contemplating wether i should go off line (the original way to write – thru journal) or should i stay online. I don’t want people to know me but I do need input sometimes… and I won’t have the advantage of putting photos n go thru dictionary. But mobility-wise, it’s not a good thing to carry this lappy around. Hmmmm…maybe I’ll do both… Anyway, ZMD came to my dreams again. And as always, i’ll wake up feeling crappy as ever. Damn him. Really wonder where in the world he is now. Can’t seem to find him on the internet. This usually means… I am retreating again. Will be in denial, no mood for whatsoever… Am 40 already. Why do my life still feel like there’s a huge hole in it? What else do I need? What do I want? What actually make me happy? Been “serving” people so long that I actually forget who I am…

 

 

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