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Archive for September, 2010

Love letter to self

I read somewhere that you shouldn’t depend on people for your happiness. Since I’ve been waiting for so long for someone to write me love letters (I’m such a hopeless romantic) I am deciding from now on, I’ll be writing them for myself!! Thank you Pam from InnerKiddies

Dear …….

You are loved just as you are, before you scrub one floor, vacuum one carpet, dust or shine a sink.  The fact that you are alive is testimony that you are loved by your Creator.

Living has become such an overlooked and unappreciated experience that we often get sidetracked looking for something other than life to do.  But your first and foremost reason for being here is simply to live and love who you are right now in this time and place.  Each and every one of you is sacred and holy.  You, just by living here and now complete a grand scheme.  Without You Life would be missing an incremental piece to the great mystery of Being.

I am thankful for you.  Your joy uplifts me.  Your love is heartfelt.  Your desire to have a cozy, clean and happy home gives me hope.  The fruits of your efforts give me a desire to continue my writing.  When I close my eyes I see you beaming with a smile that tells me you are loving yourself.  Thank you.

Love,

ME

xxxoooxxx

YES!! I AM WORTH IT AND DON’T LET OTHER SAY ANY DIFFERENT 🙂

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Here we go again…

Yup. He received a letter from the bank about debt, again. Unless he contact the bank and arrange some way to settle the debt it will be sent to debt collectors. Sighhh… Am I not supposed to be worried when this happen? I don’t have any income. And nowadays, I just don’t see the skills that I have can actually be used to earn money. It’s not like I can do much. And my degree is not like it’s a specialized degree… *double sigh* Yup. I am doomed to live the same lives as my parents, aren’t I? Yup, the glamourous life of an expat wife have caused my hair to drop, my back bone to hurt, my veins to turn to varicose, my ass hole to swollen to become hemorrhoid… what is it that’s great with this life again? I got to spend more time with my kids, but hardly quality time. In fact being around them more seems to be a sign for them to take me for granted… I got to travel. Yeah right, just to and fro my home country. That’s it. We hardly visit other exotic places; hubby never seemed to have the time or money… So, what’s is left?? It’s not like I can have some solitary time to brush up on my crafting skills… It’s not like being a full time housewife does wonder to my self esteem or confidence….

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Post Eid

The fire of adversity will melt you like butter, or temper you like steel.
The choice is yours. – Anonymous

When can I do what I want to do with my entry in this blog? Translation, when will I actually have the chance to be a pro with this page? Anyway, post Eid. In this not so big Malay community of less than 100, I found out that people are so judgemental and choosy about who they want to invite on this auspicious day. Hmmph.. speechless. Oh well, my good buddy is back. That is what important. Now I can just gossip and hang out with her, being our true selves without worrying about being stab in the bag. One good thing I discovered about myself – I may not be a great cook but the few things that I can cook I can do it excellently. 😀

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A bit freaky…

Don’t know to freak out or feel flattered. When I tried to give my self a gift on FB game thru my son’s account, i saw on this chat page which he left opened, that his friend had some impure thoughts on me. well, actually nothing much. just a one line “you mom sucks…. me :)” And when son asked “???” he just wrote “nothing”. Kind of… disgusting (?) Maaan kids… but found out I couldn’t look at him the same way as before. They are so cute, adorable and pure when they were little. why can’t they just stay that way?

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Eid al Fitr

“We all married the wrong person…” The title of the blog which caught my attention. Excerpt from the blog :

That choice to work on the relationship can lead to a more profound, meaningful experience together. Dr. Haltzman offers the following tips to help us reconnect or improve our bond:

  • Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.
  • Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.
  • Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.
  • Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.

Interesting…. Anyway, Eid. Yup, my heart told me to celebrate it with my parents. But mom told me to be with hubby… Everything went by so fast, didn’t get to take family pics, no apologies exchanged, just spent with people whom I only knew for less than a year… What if I were to die, or worse, one of my family at home dies before the next Eid? Huh. Evil me thinking of whom I  should point my finger to…

Eid was so fun when I was little. Went back to Dad’s home town, lots of relatives, durians, old folks tales, Eid money….. sigh.. those were the days. Gosh, my blog is definitely pathetic. Soooooo negative. What to do, that’s life now I guess. Maybe I should put my “gratitude jar” some on this page instead of having it on some shelf.

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40 and 1 day…

Yup. no earth shattering event. no life changing or mind boggling experience. Just another day, same old same old….

But somehow, there was a lot of thinking and flashbacks. Maybe becoz I didn’t give him the letter. The so-called “painful truth” letter. Got me thinking about how I am where I am right now. Why I am here… I wanted a “picture perfect”. Thought I could create one. Boy was I wrong… I wanted a family which I never had. Vivid memories of my time basically consists of some photo moments with Dad during our very few outings, holding hands with Mum whenever I wanted to sleep, then there was this family dinner incident when Dad went on a rampage because Angah ate something “exotic” he got from one of his outstation trip. Of course Along just got crazy, Dad threatened to use the belt, Mum broke down, everyone left the table except Dad and me. So much for trying to have a family meal….

By I remembered some great b’day parties my parents threw when I was little; many people, many presents, food stalls… Then there was my little sis who worshipped me, but could hardly spent enough time together since I was away – college and uni. Birthdays… nothing to shout about since I got married; just becoz his family don’t really celebrate all this important dates…. but his family is the closest thing to a normal family I can get. Maybe that’s what keeping me in the relationship? God knows… coz I sure don’t know…

Sis sent a b’day wish which was sent to her by Mom before [no special wish for me though:( ] The only gift I can afford is my love and doa, wishing you long life and health in the care of God… Sob, sob 😥

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Decided to break the normal daily routine and spend the day just lazing around with the little angel. Then we went to check out the day market. Bought him a toy plane. Hmmmm… come to think of it, it should be his birthday instead 🙂

Now…. should I or shouldn’t I send him the letter?

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